Why I wanted a boy

I've known my baby's genders well before the ultrasound. Call it whatever you want--luck, intuition, inspiration--but I knew my first was a boy and knew my second was a girl.

Right now, I feel 90% confident that baby number three is a girl. And to be honest, when I started getting the girl vibes, I was disappointed. At the risk of making me seem even more like a jerk, I was absolutely terrified of having a girl with my 2nd.  I remember doing several posts on my family blog about having a girl and my fears, mostly about silly things like doing a girl's hair.

                                        

 Why such a prejudice against girls? I finally figured it out.

This morning, as I was running in the moonlight, my mind was sorting through things I needed to do and things coming up. Thinking about having a baby is a reoccurring mental topic on my runs and as I was thinking about having a girl, I caught a glimpse of my shadow on the fence running along side me. I was struck by how good my shadow looked--this was the shadow of someone that looked healthy, strong, even cute with a ponytail bobbing up and down. I was impressed by my shadow, or more specifically, myself.

I know the vanity of that sentence, but I'm someone, with all my confidence, has a lot of insecurities. I don't often have such spontaneous positive thoughts about myself. It was in that moment that I thought about my girls turning out to be like me and I was surprised I was okay with that.

 All my fears about having girls are directly tied to my insecurities as a woman.

I have always found confidence in my abilities--my intelligence, my work ethic, my problem solving abilities, my sense of humor, my independence, my pragmatism, my physical strength. I feel like these are qualities that come naturally to men. I have never had a doubt that I could raise an intelligent, hard working, athletic son.

Where I feel I'm lacking are all feminine qualities: physical attractiveness, caring about physical attractiveness, being petite (not being man-sized), getting a long with other women, patience, being neat and tidy, enjoying crafts. The actual value of these qualities could be debated, but apparently I believe they have value enough to feel bad about myself. And if I feel bad about myself, how on earth could I feel good about my daughters who are bound to turn out exactly like me  (or so says my subconscious)?

This may be a revelation only to me, but it's been a significant one. I have often looked at my relationship with my son and compared it with my relationship with my daughter. I'm so much closer to my son. I used to credit that to the fact that I sacrificed more hours of sleep for my son who was a terrible sleeper and a much more needy child. But I now wonder if I have a different relationship with my daughter because she is a girl. I wonder if I've been distancing myself because I'm scared I will look at her and see myself--especially the bad. 

I think I understand now why women try to "fix" their daughters. Why they worry so much about their daughter's physical appearance and why they say mean things. Why they are more critical of their daughters. I think our poor daughters are the direct victims of our own insecurities.

I don't want that for my daughters. I don't want them to have the same insecurities as me. Above all else, I want my daughters to be confident and happy.

I am much more at peace with having two girls then I was yesterday. I still need research and think about how I'm going to get over my insecurities, or at the very least, hide them so well that it's not a problem for my daughters. Any ideas?

Now what to do if I'm wrong and it's a boy...
 

                                                         2 day old Annie

                                                         2 year old Annie